When I became pregnant with my daughter, I was filled with so many emotions but mainly fear. I could not believe I was actually pregnant! I mean… not that I didn’t know how it happened. I was just in shock. Wow I’m going to be a Mommy, was all I could think throughout my pregnancy. Once I got closer to my due date and started buying clothes, I would sit on the end of my bed, hold a onesie in my arms and cradle it as if it were an actual baby. I did this just about every night before I went to bed and listened to Monica’s song, “For You I Will”. It became my song for her. I could not wait to hold my baby for real. The closer I got to my due date, the more afraid I became. I became afraid of something bad happening while she was still in my womb. I was afraid of something bad happening at birth. I had read and heard so many different stories about the amniotic sac rupturing, the umbilical cord getting wrapped around the baby’s neck and the baby dying during birth. I cannot even put into words how afraid I was. I was more afraid of losing my baby during birth than I was of going through the birth process itself. When it was finally time to have her, I probably prayed more than I ever had before. I had been in labor for 3 days, having contractions every 10 minutes, and sent home twice before the hospital finally kept me.
The fear I had when she was still in my womb was NOTHING compared to the fear I felt once she was out in the world! I was afraid of the possibility of her getting sick from people touching her, I was afraid that someone was watching me and plotting to take her from me (lol so serious), I was afraid of her dying from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), and most of all I was afraid of loving her too much and then losing her. The fear of losing her was so great that I was afraid of getting too close to her. I loved her immensely from the moment I saw her. We really connected the next morning… I remember I stood up, held her up in the air, and just looked at her. Wow, I thought, this is my baby! I kissed her little mouth and she sucked on my lip and her little eyes were looking away as she sucked away, I guess she was hungry (lol). But it truly was the best thing I had ever felt! I loved my little baby much more than I ever thought I could love and boy was it a scary feeling.
I did not know this, but over the years I was emotionally keeping my baby at a distance. I knew I loved her more than anything in the world, but… there was an invisible wall I had built around myself that even she had not gotten through. See…The people in my life who I loved the most had no idea they were the people I loved the most because I didn’t say it or show it well. My baby was the only person I could be affectionate and loving with (called it being mushy). And even with all of the kisses and hugs I showered her with, I still felt an emotional distance between her and I. So I decided to reach out to a Therapist. I cried and told her how hard it was for me to be affectionate with people and I told her about the emotional distance I felt between me and my daughter. What she helped me to realize was this… because of being hurt so many times from losing almost every person I loved, I had subconsciously kept myself (or tried to keep myself) from getting attached to people. Unfortunately that included my baby. I was very young the first time I experienced losing family members, the worse being my mother. My brother was killed 5 months after my mother died, losing both of my grandfathers the same year, my grandmothers were gone, and not to mention cousins and friends I had grown up with were passing away. Death has been so real to me my entire life so I learned early not to get too attached to people. And I’ve heard people say that not getting too attached to people is actually a good thing, including children. It hurts to even write this, but I had become almost emotionally unavailable. And when a mother is emotionally unavailable to her child/children there is a great potential for neglect. While I did not neglect her in the sense of leaving her, I neglected her in other ways. I didn’t spend a lot of time with her. Looking back, I can remember holding and cuddling her at times, and being so comfortable but then crying because the thought of losing her would come into my mind so I would quickly put her down. Every time I thought about losing her, I distanced myself. (My poor baby! It hurts to even write this)
Once I realized I was in my baby’s life but not really “present”, it saddened me so much I couldn’t function. I cried out to God to please help me. What is wrong with me?? I asked Him. I begged Him to heal me from my past. I knew it was affecting how I was parenting my daughter– at a distance. It wasn’t an easy process, healing from my past. First, I accepted my past for what it was. I couldn’t change it. And I acknowledged that my past had equipped me for real life. In real life, people hurt you, whether it’s intentional or not. In real life, people die. It’s a part of life. And then I had to look at the good things that came from my past. God had a plan for me. He knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb, and my past was all a part of His divine purpose for my life. I also had to accept that my baby does not belong to me. Nobody truly belongs to anyone because we all belong to God. My fear of losing her was crippling and kept me from loving her the way God calls me to love her. I had to get to the point of being able to tell God and truly mean it, “My life is not my own, neither is Kyelia’s. As I commit my life to you, I release her to You as well. Have Your way in our lives. May Your Will be done.” I gave it all to Him and I never took it back.
I do not walk around in fear of losing her, or anybody else. Is it still something I continually pray about today? Of course! I have to be prepared to counteract any negative feeling or thought, and I do that by fighting in the spirit through prayer.
Healing from a painful past can be a life long process for some. Some people never let go. They go through life holding on to things that happened to them when they were 2 or 3 years old. And because of that, they walk around with a wall like the one I had… never letting anybody in, not even their children. I pray the process of breaking down that wall begins today. I pray that whatever pain, disappointments, hurt, or crippling fears be cast out in the name of Jesus so it is no longer the wall blocking the blessings that await us. I pray that any mother out there who can relate to anything I wrote in this post finds comfort in knowing she is not alone and it is not too late to break down that wall. We all have painful scars from and past hurts from our childhood we have held onto for too long, and I pray for our strength to be able to put them down and walk away. In Jesus name. Amen.
Love, Mizz K 💜
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