Being a mother can bring out the best in us. It can also bring…

…the ‘not-so-good’ out of us. Since I became a mother (12 years ago) I’ve learned things about myself that I don’t think I would have ever learned had I not become a Mommy. While my daughter brings a silliness out of me that I thought I left in my childhood and love that literally makes my chest hurt, having her also brought out my brokenness, insecurities, and all the pain I had buried inside of me. I write about this in my article Confession From An Imperfect Mother so I won’t go into detail here, but I’m grateful that God used her to show me-me. What prompted me to write this article was realizing how the text I got from my daughter’s teacher today completely changed my mood. He texted me that she wasn’t following directions and was even rude when he redirected her. I’ve recently realized that I could be having a perfect day, but the moment something is off with my daughter, my perfect day is no more. What is that? Am I the only Mommy who this happens to? I don’t think I’m the only one but I certainly don’t think it’s a good thing.  I could be wrong but I think maybe this happens when we tie our identities to our children. The moment they act up, we question whether we’re doing a good job. When we punish them, we wonder whether it was too harsh or not harsh enough. When we’re in public and our kids are acting out, we look around us to make sure no one is looking. Or am I the only one that can admit this? lol

I’m told often what a great mother I am and how great of a job I’m doing, but people don’t realize how much I lean on God to help me. I’m constantly praying for Him to help me say the right thing, help me deliver the most effective consequences, help me lay a solid foundation so that when she’s on her own she doesn’t stray too far from it. (Proverbs 22:) I go to Him for everything concerning her. After all, He created her so He knows the best way to deal with her.

I see more than ever how important it is for us as Mommies to take care ourselves so we can take good care of our babies. If we don’t, unfortunately, they end up suffering consequences that have nothing to do with them, but everything to do with us

Motherhood is a journey in which we have no idea the bumps and turns we’ll run into along the way. Many of us are just winging it while many of us are reading every piece of literature we can on how to be a good Mommy. Whichever of the two you are (I think I’m in the middle lol), know you are not alone. That’s actually one of the things I find comfort in, knowing there are other Mommies out there who feel the same as me. And being able to come to this blog for therapy, to transparently write out what’s on my mind. Whether 10 people read it or 10,000 there is something therapeutic about taking the thoughts in your head and writing them on a piece of paper or typing them onto a computer screen. You instantly feel better because you’ve let it out. If you haven’t already, you should try 🙂

If you can relate, I’d love to hear from you. If you can’t, I’d love to hear from you as well. I need to know how you detach so well lol.

As always, feel free to reach out for advice, prayer requests, etc. at love_mizzk@yahoo.com

Until Next time!

Love, Mizz K 

 

side smile Kendra “Mizz K” Fowler is a poet, blogger, and the author of Pain, Promiscuity, Purpose: From Mess To Ministry and Not My Goodies: 10 Benefits of Practicing Abstinence until Marriage” which can be found on Amazon.com. You may connect with Mizz K on IG @love_mizzk and on Facebook @AuthorMizzK

 

 

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Do You Ever Feel Like a Horrible Mother?

You know you aren’t really a horrible mother, but sometimes you know could have said or done something differently?

Being a good mother is the most important thing to me, so I am always critiquing myself.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

“That was too harsh.”

“I should have been more firm.” 

“I’m too hard on her.”

“I’m not hard enough.”

I stress myself out sometimes worrying about whether I’m doing the right thing. I’ve been told to relax and I know I need to, but sometimes it’s easier said. I can be having a great day, but when something is off with my daughter, it can ruin my entire day. I know that’s not good, but it’s true 😕

I think as Mommies, we’ll always have that worry that we didn’t handle things the way we should have. I supposed it’s because we love our babies so much that we want to handle things “perfectly.”

Working Mommies, do you ever feel guilty about working??

I mean, I have to work to pay the bills and my daughter knows it, but I still see that hint of disappointment when I tell her I can’t make it to her school program or that I can’t go on a trip.

I would love to be able to be a school mom like my mother was, always at the school helping out and chaperoning on trips. But Mama gotta work!

Sigh.

People often tell me, “You’re such a great mother.” And I appreciate it. But to be honest, sometimes I don’t feel so great. I write about why in Confession From An Imperfect Mother and I suppose I’m still going through the process of reconciling with that part of my past. I have to continually pray to counter those guilty feelings that try to creep in from time to time.

It’s an everyday struggle and every day I pray for God to help me keep the faith that everything is going to be alright.
Ok. My rant is over lol. Was having a moment.

 

-Mizz K 

 

us kiss

 

 

 

 

Finding The Good In Single Motherhood

It was January 2005. I was 19 years old, working my first job as a Medical Assistant at a doctor’s office during the day and as a cashier at a clothing store in the evenings. One evening, a guy walked in who immediately caught my attention. He was with another guy and a girl. He wasn’t the type of guy I’d normally be into, but there was something about him that peaked my interest. When he got to the register to pay for his items, I asked him if the girl with him was his girlfriend. When he told me no, I wrote down my number and gave it to him. He called me the next day, and I learned he was 28 years old and had one child (I later found out he actually had another). Things moved pretty quickly between us. Within two months I was pregnant.
Initially, he seemed very happy about me being pregnant, saying he wanted to move me in and start a family. But all of a sudden he started changing. Almost overnight, he went from being the sweetest man I had ever met to being distant and cold. I was about 8 weeks into my pregnancy at that point and had no idea when I left his house that that would be the last time I saw him until my daughter was almost a year old. I was so sure that once he saw her for the first time, he would fall in love with her and want to be in her life forever. But I was wrong. He saw her a few times and disappeared again. I never ever thought I would be a single mother. I remember growing up seeing my brother’s and older cousins’ girlfriends chase after them demanding they take care of their children. I had told myself that would never be me. But there I was in the same situation with my child’s father. After regularly showing up at his job throwing things and cussing him out, they told me I couldn’t come back. I found out he got fired shortly after. It would be 5 years later at his mother’s funeral when he saw my daughter again. That was the first time he saw all 3 of his children together and the last time he’s seen any of them to date.
Throughout the years I actually prayed that I would run into him. I had it all planned out in my head. My plan was to pick something up off the ground and beat him with it. I was so angry and serious about hurting him. Although my daughter was still young, I knew one day she would grow up and ask why her father wasn’t around. And the thought of hurting her feelings angered me. I would often wonder, How could he not love her? She’s amazing. I felt it was unfair that I was struggling to take care of my daughter by myself while he lived his life as if he had no children. As time went on, I got tired of being angry. After all, if I had done something to harm him physically I would’ve ended up in jail, and my poor baby would have no father or mother. It took a long time, but I gradually began to accept that my daughter’s father didn’t want anything to do with her.
One of my friends, who is a divorced mother of 3, always tells me how blessed I am that I don’t have to co-parent. “Blessed?! How can that be a blessing?” I asked her. She went on to tell me how her ex-husband constantly undermines her authority and how every time her children come home from spending the week with him, they have picked up a new habit and are sometimes disrespectful toward her. She then spends that following week trying to break those habits and reteach her rules. It wasn’t until I noticed more of my friends going through the same thing that I began to understand what she meant. I don’t have those type of problems because I’m the only one raising my daughter. And when I’m honest with myself about the kind of lifestyle her father lives, she would probably be exposed to environments I wouldn’t want her in anyway. He is always running from the law and even now has a warrant out for his arrest. His own brother has even said he wouldn’t add any value to her life. And then I had to ask myself, “Would I rather him come around, get her hopes up, only to let her down over and over again?”. The answer is no. I would rather him stay away than to come around and make promises only to break them. AND, the selfish part of me is glad to have my daughter all to myself LOL. Just kidding… But not really. LOL.
While I began to see the good in his absence, I knew my daughter would never be able to wrap her mind around how it could possibly be a good thing that her father is not in her life. And I don’t expect her to. All she knows is she wants her father. The moment I had been dreading came while we were at the dinner table one night. In tears, she told me she wishes her father was around. She admitted to being jealous of other kids who have their father in their lives. It broke my heart to pieces knowing she was hurting and I couldn’t do anything about it. As her mother, I could love her, care for her, nurture her but I could never take the place of her father. Every little girl has something inside of them that craves the presence of their Daddy, which is why most girls/women tend to be forgiving of their absent father no matter how old she is when he finally comes around. Fighting back my own tears, I held her and told her I was sorry. I told her I don’t know why her father is the way he is, but I do know that there is always a purpose in our pain. Perhaps God is protecting her from something. Perhaps she will grow up to make better decisions than I did. Perhaps she will grow up and help the generation after her cope with the absence of their father. Whatever the purpose, God knows what He’s doing. At 11 years old, she is more open about her feelings now. She regularly expresses her desire for a father. I encourage her to make her request known to God. It is absolutely okay to pray for a father. Her Heavenly Father knows her wants and more importantly, He knows her needs.
I am in no way glorifying single motherhood or having children outside of marriage. I do not believe it is God’s Will for so many children to grow up in single-family homes. It is not what He had in mind when He created the family. He does allow us to have free will, the ability to make choices. And some of our choices, whether our own or the choices of the other parent, can result in single motherhood. (And single fatherhood) I am just happy to find the good in my own single motherhood finally. And it started with me looking at the positives of my situation and being thankful that things are not as bad as they could have been. I am finally able to think about her father and not get angry. I am finally at peace, no longer bitter and wishing ill on him. I was unhealthy physically because of the stress, and spiritually because I hadn’t forgiven him. And because I hadn’t forgiven him, I couldn’t heal. And if I am not healed, I am no good for my daughter in her brokenness. (I touch on this subject of healing in Confession From An Imperfect Mother.) She relies on Mommy to be strong. And Mommy gets her strength from the Lord. When I give my anger, my pain, my own brokenness over to God, His strength is made perfect. I give it all to Him daily which is why I’m able to forgive, and why I’ve been able to find some good in my single motherhood.

 

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© Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK', 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK' with appropriate and specific direction to the original content