Does It Hurt Worse To Lose Your Mother As A Child Or As An Adult?

Does it hurt worse to lose your mother as a child or as an adult?

I know that may sound like a strange question to ask, but I was sitting here pondering on it.  Such a thought may even sound depressing. However, I am not depressed nor am I sad. But after experiencing losing a mother at ten years old and then again at 27 years old, I sometimes wonder which hurt worse. I remember being traumatized after losing my mother suddenly to AIDS when I was ten years old. Up until she died, I had been attached to her hip. I still slept on top of her most nights. In the first chapter of my book, Pain, Promiscuity, Purpose: From Mess To Ministry, I write about that experience and how for a long time I thought she was coming back. At that time, I had been learning about Jesus’ resurrection in church, and I had believed my mother was also going to come back as Jesus did. Learning I was mistaken and that my mother was actually not coming back was somewhat traumatizing all over again.

Once my mother died, her sister, my Aunt Tricia became my mother. She was my mother until I was 27 years old when she died. It was like deja vu. The pain was unbearable. For a long time, I had to drink alcohol just about every day just to be able to sleep at night. Most mornings I woke up in tears when reality hit me that Aunt Tricia was really gone. And to be quite honest, I still have moments of disbelief, and it’s been five years. I’m still not able to put into words what losing her feels like.  I was about 12 years old when I realized I loved my Aunt Tricia. She’d been in my life all of my life as she and my mother were very close, but it was a different kind of love now that she was my mother. I write how I came to that realization in my blog post, Aunt Tricia ❤.  Before then, I was guarded with my feelings toward her. Looking back as an adult, I realize I felt like I was betraying my mother by loving Aunt Tricia. At one point I even felt like I was betraying my mother to consider that losing Aunt Tricia hurt worse than losing her.

Some days I think about my Aunt Tricia, and I burst into tears. I think losing Aunt Tricia affected me differently from how it affected me when I lost my mother because 1. I was now an adult and 2. because I had more time with her, 27 years versus ten years with my mother. But even that fact doesn’t minimize the love I have for my mother and how much I miss her. I cry sometimes thinking about her and how close we were. I cry wondering how she would be with my daughter. But I also cry thinking about how good Aunt Tricia was with my daughter. I cry wishing my mother had made it to my graduations. I cry thinking about how proud Aunt Tricia was at my graduations. I cry wondering how it would have been to grow up with my real mother. I also cry because I did grow up with a mother, and losing that relationship was devastating.
So I’ve concluded that there is no way to answer this question factually. As I wrote in, The Pain Of Losing A Mother, the pain is unbearable no matter how old you are when you lose your Mommy. Other than our love for our children, there is no greater love than the love we have for Mommy. Although I’ve tried many times to put it all into words, the best I could come up with is “ a part of me died with her. A part of my childhood is gone.” And although I’m grown and a mother myself, I sometimes miss the feeling of being someone’s “baby.”

 

Until next time,

Love, Mizz K ♥

 

 

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IMG_7269Kendra “Mizz K” Fowler is an author, poet, and blogger. Her book, “Pain, Promiscuity, Purpose: From Mess to Ministry is available on Amazon.

 

She Wishes She Had Your Problems

Abortions have become a form of birth control as you run to the clinic every time you get a positive pregnancy test because it wasn’t “planned”. But there is a barren woman out there who cries herself to sleep because she wishes she can get pregnant.
You complain about not being able to get a break from your children. But there’s a woman who wishes she could hold the child she lost just one more time.
You complain about your husband to your friends and to social media about how your husband always forgets to take out the trash and you have to constantly clean up behind him. But there’s a lonely woman out there who longs for a husband to clean up after.
You complain about your job and the people you work with. Yet there’s a woman who has been on several interviews this week and has received NOT ONE CALL!
You complain about your split ends but there’s a woman who is now bald because chemotherapy has caused her to lose all of her hair.
You complain about your mother always getting in your business and wishes she would leave you alone. “She always has something to say”, you say. But there are women who have lost their mothers and would give anything just to have her back.
You complain about your house being too small. You need more closet space for all of your nice clothes and shoes. But there are women sleeping outside under bridges, on park benches, and in subways.
The message behind this post? There is a woman out there who wishes she had your problems. #StopComplaining

-Mizz K 💜

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© Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK', 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK' with appropriate and specific direction to the original content

 

The Pain Of Losing A Mother

Whether a mother is lost suddenly due to tragedy or slowly due to an illness, a lifelong pain is produced that is unexplainable. If she died suddenly, you deal with the feelings of “just having a conversation with her and she seemed fine”. Or, you had just left her and planned on calling her in a bit. Or you had just made plans to have dinner at her house on Sunday. Or, you just had an argument and parted on bad terms. Whichever scenario describes or almost describes your situation, you have feelings of regret. “I should’ve stayed with her a little longer”. “I should’ve hugged her a little tighter”. “I should have been the bigger person and apologized”.

If she died slowly due to an incurable illness or condition, you deal with a sense of feeling selfish because you find yourself trying to hold onto her. You cannot stand the sight of seeing her suffer, but you are never ready to let her go. You watch her slowly deteriorate over time. You watch her in pain and it hurts so bad because you can’t do anything about it. Except hold her hand. And give her anything she wants. You want her to be happy in her last moments. When she passes on, the pain is still as bad as if it had happened suddenly. At first, you find yourself  reaching for your phone to call Mom. Or you find yourself preparing to fix an extra plate for dinner. Or you find yourself wanting to tell her the funny thing that the baby did today. But then it hits you. And you remember that Mom is gone. You find yourself calling her phone just to hear her voice again. Or sniffing her clothes to hold on to her scent. But as time goes on, you are no longer able to hear the voicemail because the phone is now off. Her voice is no longer as clear in your mind as it was before. Her scent is no longer fresh on her clothing. You realize that you are slowly losing the little that you had left of her. And all you have now are memories and photos. Some days you will think of her, look at her pictures, and cry until your head hurts. Some days you will think of her and smile. You will hear her favorite song and it will instantly bring you to tears no matter how happy the song is. Hearing the song will take you back to those moments that she blasted the song while cleaning on Saturday mornings, or turned up the song in the car and embarrassed you with her loud singing. You will have vivid dreams of her only to wake up and realize that it’s only a dream, and Mommy is not really back. You will have dreams that comfort you as she assures you that she is okay.

Will the pain ever go away? No. But with time, it gets easier to deal with. There is an emptiness that comes with losing your mother that can never be filled. It is as if a part of you dies with her. The feeling is hard for you to explain and attempting to only makes you break down in tears. Every milestone, every accomplishment, every celebration will have you wishing she was here to experience it with you. You will wish she lived to see you graduate. You will wish she lived to see you walk down the aisle. You will wish she lived to see your children’s first steps and laugh at the cute things they say. The pain will never go away, you only learn to accept that she’s gone and it’s a part of God’s plan. As much as it hurts, you find comfort in knowing that there lies a purpose behind the pain. And as you grow closer to God, you realize that He makes no mistakes. Perhaps she already served God’s purpose for her life. After all, He did use her to birth YOU. I pray for your comfort in the hard times and for peace in your heart. And I pray that you can be a comfort to those who are in that place that you once were.

Love, Mizz K ♥

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© Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK', 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK' with appropriate and specific direction to the original content
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