Whether a mother is lost suddenly due to tragedy or slowly due to an illness, a lifelong pain is produced that is unexplainable. If she died suddenly, you deal with the feelings of “just having a conversation with her and she seemed fine”. Or, you had just left her and planned on calling her in a bit. Or you had just made plans to have dinner at her house on Sunday. Or, you just had an argument and parted on bad terms. Whichever scenario describes or almost describes your situation, you have feelings of regret. “I should’ve stayed with her a little longer”. “I should’ve hugged her a little tighter”. “I should have been the bigger person and apologized”.
If she died slowly due to an incurable illness or condition, you deal with a sense of feeling selfish because you find yourself trying to hold onto her. You cannot stand the sight of seeing her suffer, but you are never ready to let her go. You watch her slowly deteriorate over time. You watch her in pain and it hurts so bad because you can’t do anything about it. Except hold her hand. And give her anything she wants. You want her to be happy in her last moments. When she passes on, the pain is still as bad as if it had happened suddenly. At first, you find yourself reaching for your phone to call Mom. Or you find yourself preparing to fix an extra plate for dinner. Or you find yourself wanting to tell her the funny thing that the baby did today. But then it hits you. And you remember that Mom is gone. You find yourself calling her phone just to hear her voice again. Or sniffing her clothes to hold on to her scent. But as time goes on, you are no longer able to hear the voicemail because the phone is now off. Her voice is no longer as clear in your mind as it was before. Her scent is no longer fresh on her clothing. You realize that you are slowly losing the little that you had left of her. And all you have now are memories and photos. Some days you will think of her, look at her pictures, and cry until your head hurts. Some days you will think of her and smile. You will hear her favorite song and it will instantly bring you to tears no matter how happy the song is. Hearing the song will take you back to those moments that she blasted the song while cleaning on Saturday mornings, or turned up the song in the car and embarrassed you with her loud singing. You will have vivid dreams of her only to wake up and realize that it’s only a dream, and Mommy is not really back. You will have dreams that comfort you as she assures you that she is okay.
Will the pain ever go away? No. But with time, it gets easier to deal with. There is an emptiness that comes with losing your mother that can never be filled. It is as if a part of you dies with her. The feeling is hard for you to explain and attempting to only makes you break down in tears. Every milestone, every accomplishment, every celebration will have you wishing she was here to experience it with you. You will wish she lived to see you graduate. You will wish she lived to see you walk down the aisle. You will wish she lived to see your children’s first steps and laugh at the cute things they say. The pain will never go away, you only learn to accept that she’s gone and it’s a part of God’s plan. As much as it hurts, you find comfort in knowing that there lies a purpose behind the pain. And as you grow closer to God, you realize that He makes no mistakes. Perhaps she already served God’s purpose for her life. After all, He did use her to birth YOU. I pray for your comfort in the hard times and for peace in your heart. And I pray that you can be a comfort to those who are in that place that you once were.
Love, Mizz K ♥
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