The Pain Of Losing A Mother

Whether a mother is lost suddenly due to tragedy or slowly due to an illness, a lifelong pain is produced that is unexplainable. If she died suddenly, you deal with the feelings of “just having a conversation with her and she seemed fine”. Or, you had just left her and planned on calling her in a bit. Or you had just made plans to have dinner at her house on Sunday. Or, you just had an argument and parted on bad terms. Whichever scenario describes or almost describes your situation, you have feelings of regret. “I should’ve stayed with her a little longer”. “I should’ve hugged her a little tighter”. “I should have been the bigger person and apologized”.

If she died slowly due to an incurable illness or condition, you deal with a sense of feeling selfish because you find yourself trying to hold onto her. You cannot stand the sight of seeing her suffer, but you are never ready to let her go. You watch her slowly deteriorate over time. You watch her in pain and it hurts so bad because you can’t do anything about it. Except hold her hand. And give her anything she wants. You want her to be happy in her last moments. When she passes on, the pain is still as bad as if it had happened suddenly. At first, you find yourself  reaching for your phone to call Mom. Or you find yourself preparing to fix an extra plate for dinner. Or you find yourself wanting to tell her the funny thing that the baby did today. But then it hits you. And you remember that Mom is gone. You find yourself calling her phone just to hear her voice again. Or sniffing her clothes to hold on to her scent. But as time goes on, you are no longer able to hear the voicemail because the phone is now off. Her voice is no longer as clear in your mind as it was before. Her scent is no longer fresh on her clothing. You realize that you are slowly losing the little that you had left of her. And all you have now are memories and photos. Some days you will think of her, look at her pictures, and cry until your head hurts. Some days you will think of her and smile. You will hear her favorite song and it will instantly bring you to tears no matter how happy the song is. Hearing the song will take you back to those moments that she blasted the song while cleaning on Saturday mornings, or turned up the song in the car and embarrassed you with her loud singing. You will have vivid dreams of her only to wake up and realize that it’s only a dream, and Mommy is not really back. You will have dreams that comfort you as she assures you that she is okay.

Will the pain ever go away? No. But with time, it gets easier to deal with. There is an emptiness that comes with losing your mother that can never be filled. It is as if a part of you dies with her. The feeling is hard for you to explain and attempting to only makes you break down in tears. Every milestone, every accomplishment, every celebration will have you wishing she was here to experience it with you. You will wish she lived to see you graduate. You will wish she lived to see you walk down the aisle. You will wish she lived to see your children’s first steps and laugh at the cute things they say. The pain will never go away, you only learn to accept that she’s gone and it’s a part of God’s plan. As much as it hurts, you find comfort in knowing that there lies a purpose behind the pain. And as you grow closer to God, you realize that He makes no mistakes. Perhaps she already served God’s purpose for her life. After all, He did use her to birth YOU. I pray for your comfort in the hard times and for peace in your heart. And I pray that you can be a comfort to those who are in that place that you once were.

Love, Mizz K ♥

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© Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK', 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kendra Fowler and 'LoveMizzK' with appropriate and specific direction to the original content
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23 Replies to “The Pain Of Losing A Mother”

  1. It hurts just as horrible even when you lose your mom in her 80s.My mom suffered with breast cancer for 11 years and died a horrible death . I could not do anything to take away her pain except love her and be with her. There is no good age in which to lose your mom!! My mom never got to see her great grand daughter and soon to be born great grandson and I cry over over that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I think that’s one of worse feelings, wishing she could have seen the babies. I always imagine how my mom would’ve been with my daughter. I think she would’ve just ate her up lol.
      The good thing about your mom and mine is that they are no longer suffering, no longer in pain. {Hugs}

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  2. Thank you for this. Every word dripped with truth. My mother’s illness & death came quickly. God’s plan was to bring the family back together. We are closer than ever before. It’s just so hurtful that she’s not here to see it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow I’m so happy that you’re able to see God’s plan in your loss. It took me awhile but now that I see His plan, I thank Him for it and every other experience that has made me the woman I am today.

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  3. Wish I had of known my Mother all I have is a picture.My dad took us from her out of spite and put her in jail for adultery in 1965 I was born in 663,she got killed in a horrible car accident (close coffen) when I was 5 she couldn’t even see us. My dad raped all of us and she caught him with my oldest sister and ran. He found her and used the system against her in the sixities women had no help and they were 4 of us. He never remarried because he liked children and used them for what he wanted. I hurt everyday for my Mom. If only I had one memory and the family want tell me nothing so no one knows my pain. Plus 2 of my siblings killed theirselves.

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    1. I’m so sorry you had to experience so much. It must’ve been horrible. Have you talked to someone about your feelings? I mean someone who you’re not related to and don’t necessarily know you personally? It helped me. I hope it can help you too.

      SN: I’ve learned that sometimes our painful experiences can help and heal others. I hope that as you heal and talk about your story, you’ll share it with others and maybe help someone who is going or have gone through the same things and they too will begin healing. {Sending you hugs}

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  4. My Mom died on May 1, 2016, and right now there is a hole in my heart that feels as though it will engulf me. I cry every day, a look at her pictures and sob uncontrollably. I miss her so much. I am nearly 68 years old and yet I feel like a child. I was with her daily, and called her 3 times a day. Now I don’t know what to do with that time, and still look at the clock when it is time to call her. Sometimes I feel like I died with her. I have a family, a husband, a job, a life? What is that anymore? Everyone but me seems to have moved on – as thought it doesn’t matter. We buried her 700 miles from where I live, and I guess that’s a good thing, because I would probably be at the cemetery every day. I know I should be grateful that she is no longer in pain, and she was tired, she told me so time and time again, but God how I miss her. I wish I had her voice on a voicemail so I could here her say “I love you Honey” once again, but they are all gone. If you still have your Mom, love her, hold her, talk to her and cherish every moment you have with her. I would give anything for one more hour…

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    1. Awww Pam there is nothing wrong with feeling like a child as you just lost your Mommy after 68 years of having her. No matter how old we get, Mommy is still Mommy. And when she’s gone, a piece of ourselves go with her. One thing that helps me is talking to other people who have gone through the same thing. Only they can relate. Maybe you’d benefit from grief counseling. I don’t want you to slip into depression. I pray for strength and comfort Pam and sending you hugs

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  5. Oh..how beautifully written and painfully true… Your words perfect.. The date written id the exact day I lost my Momma. .. I still just can’t come to terms with it… so I pray for strength. For myself and all other’s who experience such a tragedy..
    Love and Hope
    Jennifer

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  6. My mother died March 18, 2016. She was 56 years old. She was my best friend and hero. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through. I watched Momma slowly die from complications associated with diabetes. I moved back home to be with her. I have some of her voice mails and messages. I cry everytime I hear her voice. I cry when I read something that has to do with mothers. I did the best I could for Momma. I have no regrets. As much as I miss Momma and wish she was here. I know she’s in a better place and no longer suffering. She’s my guardian angel. She’s always in my heart and mind. When I do have a child, I will tell them what a wonderful person their grandmother was. For those who still have their mothers, spend as much time with her as you can. Cherish those moments because life is precious and we’re not promise a tomorrow.

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    1. Hi Amy… I feel your pain. For you it’s still so fresh. I wish I could tell you that you’ll be okay soon but the reality is that we’re all different. Some take longer than others to be okay. I will tell you this though, you will EVENTUALLY be okay. It gets easier. Allow yourself to grieve. Cry as much as you need to, even scream if you feel like it. Whatever you do, don’t force yourself to get over it. Allow yourself to go through the process. And I agree with you 100% People need to cherish every single moment.

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  7. Thank you so much. I loss my mom when I was nine and I still hurt for her today. Nobody understands it, but I do. I have so many questions, with no answers. I’m the only one of five kids that don’t have a picture of her, even though I’ve asked for one. I keep being told ok I will, but it’s 25 years . I don’t ask anymore. I feel cheated, but not in an angry way. I’ve always felt like the kid that didn’t fit in so I’m good being by myself. I know I’m not going to hurt me or my feelings. I chose to be away from my siblings. I ts what’s best for me. Thank you again, that post helped me more than you could ever know

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  8. Your writings Hit-Home for me as well. I lost my Mom 14 yrs ago in a car accident 1/2 mile from her home..I can Honestly say, I Will Never Get Over Losing Her.
    My BEST Friend is Gone..
    And still, Everyday..I want to SCREAM “WHY??” There’s no “Purpose” to “This”..Really?!?
    It makes Question God..
    I have Alot of Resentment inside of me..and My Mind is Tired from Questioning “Why?” I’ve grown “numb” and really quite “Cold” inside and Towards Others..Especially to Those who Treat their Mothers Bad or Don’t even take the “Time” to Cherish their Mothers..the saying “You don’t Know what You’ve Got until it’s Gone”..is No Way True for This Girl..I KNEW What I had in My MOM..”MY BEST FRIEND!!”
    “I LOVVVE YOUUU MOM!!!”

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  9. It was 5 years this February. This has been a hard journey as I watched cancer take her from me. I miss her every day and am thankful that I can hear her telling me on my saddest days “Nena, don’t cry. Look at your kids and grandkids, and always remember they are here because of me.”
    Ladies, I am so grateful to have found this page; it truly helps to know that we all share the same kinds of feelings – deep within our souls and that we can share them openly…Have a beautiful day.

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  10. I have been trying to deal with the lost of mom but it’s hard to take the time to do it . Between work and raising to children which my mom help me with .I can’t seem to find time to grieve. I also have to find away to grieve for my husband which I lost only days after my mom they both had cancer and there was nothing that I could do for them but watch . And yes I have plenty of regrets .Its just not fair why me?🙏🏾😢😢😢

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  11. I’m still trying to figure out why. Everyday it hurts as if it was the day she left. Memories hurt, I miss her so much! I have those regrets because it was sudden. I wish I had peace and understanding, but all I have is emptiness and hurt. Thank you for sharing your heart because it’s everything I feel.

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  12. My mom passed away June 27, 2016…I find myself angry. I feel real bad not being able to cry at her funeral…yesterday it became reality and finally felt the anger become pain realize my mom is gone. And I found myself finally crying. Reading this is as if you know me. I smell her clothes, pick up phone to tell her something….this made me feell comfort. Thank you

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  13. Mum went to be with the Lord on 17-10-2004 at 44. I was only 23, i have two younger brothers so mum also played sister role. She didnt get to see me graduate from college or see my children. I feel really cheated that i never got to share the most important moments of my life with her. The pain is still as fresh.

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  14. I went to the doctor with my mother one day because she stated she had a pimple on her breast I never go to the doctor’s appointment with her but this time I did I was 22 years old had a little girl 5 years old my mother had 2 sister living in California and she told me she was moving out there I knew something was wrong because her and my baby you could not keep them apart in the meantime I fine out I was going to have another baby I didn’t tell her because we Also had some other things going on and I didn’t want her to stay I told myself I would tell her when she got startled but in the back of my mind I already know she had breast cancer so I called her everyday before I went to work and when I came home when I turned 27 years old she was at the end of her battle my father went and got her because she stated to him she want to go home to oklahoma my. Son never knew her because he was 2 years old yes it’s. been over 30 years and it still feels like last nite that God call her home with no more pain I lost my father not long ago but before he actually left he stated that he saw mother and she told him to go back because it wasn’t time yet

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow thank you so much for sharing… it just brought tears to my eyes. And I know the feeling. Its been over 20 years now since my mother died and almost 5 since my aunt (who became my mother after she died) died and it still hurts the same. Im so sorry to hear of the passing of your father. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family ❤️

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