I want to pick up my phone and call my father, but I’m afraid. Afraid that he won’t pick up the phone. Afraid that he will pick up the phone and tell me he doesn’t want to talk to me. Afraid of what I will feel if either of those two things happen.
It’s been 11 months since we talked. It was Thanksgiving last year; he told me he had nothing to say to me and hung up the phone. A few days prior, my aunt, his sister, had shown him my Facebook Post detailing some of the things I had experienced while I was living with him during my teenage years. And it got him so upset that he said he didn’t have anything to say to me. I called him multiple times and left messages. I called his job and left messages. And finally, I decided to write him a letter. I told myself he if didn’t respond to the letter, I wouldn’t reach out again. And I didn’t. He never responded to the letter. I was beyond hurt. My father wasn’t talking to me and it was all because of what my aunt had shown him. And what she showed him was the truth. It was written in the 3rd person narrative referring to myself as “she” so it wouldn’t be obvious that I was talking about myself (unless they knew me personally). But still it upset him. I had planned on telling him I would be talking about my childhood in the book I was writing (and has since published) but I had yet to find the right time. Sometimes, I wonder if I had told him before my aunt got to him if things would’ve been different. If I had gotten the chance to tell him “In my book I write about what it was like living with you, but in the end I write that things got better.” Would he have been upset or would he have been okay with it? I guess I’ll never know.
After sending the letter and getting no response, I slowly began to move on with my life. I had my days. I went from being hurt and crying my eyes out some days to feeling angry and wanting to call him screaming cuss words other days. But eventually I was “okay”. Today I am “okay.” Which is why I am afraid of calling him. I don’t want to bring those old feelings back of feeling rejected, unwanted, and unloved. I just want to be okay. Eventually I will need to try again if he doesn’t call me first. I’m actively in prayer about this now, that I’m prepared whether he answers the phone or not.
~Mizz K 💜
*Life is too short to go without talking to a loved one because someone is “upset”. We’re not promised tomorrow, not even the next hour. If you are in this situation and the one holding the grudge, I beseech you to let it go. Whatever it is. Think about how you’d feel if that person dies today. Is it really that serious? Let it go.